My 20 Week Loss – Pregnancy #6

This happened in June of 2013 and was the farthest I’ve gone in any pregnancy. Unfortunately, it ended at 20 weeks. The supplements that I was on were:

  • Progesterone Vaginal Suppositories 200mg 2x/day
  • Prenatal Vitamins
  • 4000 mcg Folic Acid
  • 4 g Fish Oil
  • 2000 iu Vitamin D3
  • 81 mg Aspirin

This was the first time I started working with my maternal-fetal doctor who specializes in recurrent pregnancy loss. We did not do any tests because of insurance issues. My insurance was still an HMO back in California under my parents’ plan and would not cover anything out of state except for emergencies. We thought we would give it a shot since I had not been put on this regimen before nor had I ever been pregnant past 10 weeks, so we thought things were going well. I have included HPT line progression and ultrasounds towards the end of this post.

Symptoms, in order of appearance:

  • cramping – dull, achy
  • cramping – stabbing pain
  • lower back pain
  • headaches
  • sore breasts
  • anxiety hard to manage
  • fatigue
  • nausea
  • pregnancy brain
  • uncontrollable appetite, then extremely picky eating
  • very light spotting on day of expected period
  • spotting 6 weeks – 6 weeks 2 days
  • vagina hurts, not due to UTI or any other infections

My nausea kicked in at 5 1/2 weeks and peaked around 9 – 10 weeks then slowly subsided to manageable levels around 16 weeks. The nausea didn’t go away completely but it wasn’t as bad. My diet changed completely. I was not able to eat any foods that had too much oil, fat, or taste to it. I could not eat as much. For a few weeks at its height, I was living off of ice cubes and was forcing myself to eat plain carbs like bread and rice. I was very sensitive to smells and was almost bed-ridden because of how bad I felt. Things got better as I approached the 2nd trimester and was able to be normal again. I did have to take a lot of rest breaks though and my bedtime was always early.

The Loss:
A few days before I hit 20 weeks, I was having a lot of back pain. I thought it was just a regular symptom of pregnancy and I tried to quell my anxiety. Around this time, I also became very irritable. One morning, I woke up and started having contractions. They were mild but I could tell that it was different from regular cramps. It lasted for an hour and I thought about going to the doctor. Before that, I noticed that I had some extra clear discharge when I woke up to go to the bathroom at night. I thought it was just discharge from having sex the night before. Because of my history of worrying, I tried to just have faith that things are okay and since because the contractions had stopped. I also decided to wait since I had an appointment soon and my husband’s friend was willing to lend us her car for the drive.  At that time, our car was not working because someone hit our car in front of our house and insurance had not gone through yet and I could not drive it 60-70 miles to go see the doctor. The day went by without any further complications. I went to bed that night.

I woke up around midnight and was experiencing pain. The contractions had started again. I got up and went to go to the bathroom and the contractions got stronger. I remember sitting there wincing in pain and thinking that it can’t be it. I tried to go back to sleep but the pain got worse and worse. I went to the bathroom again and that’s when I saw that I had started bleeding. I called the hospital and they told me that I needed to come in.

Because we knew my car could not go the 60-70 miles, I had to go to the hospital closest to us. I had not had very good experiences there but I had no choice. I woke my husband up and he drove me there. It was another nightmare. The nurses kept on saying that I was just having cramps. The doctor came in and started feeling my abdomen, pressing down hard as I was having a contraction. I was in so much pain and he even had the nerve to hold my face, turn it towards him and tell me to look at him when he was speaking to me. They listened to the baby’s heartbeat with a doppler and told me everything was fine. They were going to send me home with some acetaminophen and that I would be okay.

My husband and I were flabbergasted. Cramps? Acetaminophen? I knew my body and these were not cramps. They didn’t even check to see if I was dilated or not. After 30 minutes, they come back in and told me that they would check me just to be sure. The doctor from my real hospital had told them to do it as I was talking to them earlier and they knew of my situation and history. After the doctor checked me, he told me that I was bleeding more than they had thought and membranes were showing. After consulting with my real hospital, I was told that I was going to be transferred by ambulance. That hospital was a terrible terrible nightmare. My contractions were 3-5 minutes apart at that point.

My husband could not come with me in the ambulance and I had to go by myself. I knew it was the end. I felt so alone. I arrived there around 4 am. I am grateful though for the nurses who were there that night and for the very kind doctor who greeted me when I arrived. They checked everything and I was told that there is no way they could stop it. My cervix was fully dilated. I kept on crying and crying. The hospital was also kind enough to send a cab for my husband to be with me and footed the bill for the hour drive. I am so thankful for them.

My contractions slowed down when I arrived there and then picked back up as soon as my husband arrived around 7 am. I was told to expect to deliver late morning or early afternoon. Here is what I wrote a few days after this all happened:

I lost my baby girl on June 9, 2013 around 12:30 pm. Delivered naturally, labored 12 hours, delivered placenta a little more than an hour later. I was 20 weeks. Baby was perfectly healthy, I just couldn’t keep her in there. She was born alive but died shortly after because her lungs were not developed enough.

This was my 6th pregnancy loss with no living children, unexplained.

I got to hold her. She was so beautiful… She was the most precious thing I have ever seen in my life. She had no abnormalities and was completely healthy. Her hands were so lovely and her feet were big dancer feet like her daddy. She looked like she would be tall too. She was a perfect mix of me and my husband. I had no infections either, labor just started. She was born alive but her lungs were not developed enough to make it on her own. She will have a birth and death certificate and my husband and I decided to have her cremated. The hospital also gave us a memory box with the pictures, her fingerprints, and the clothes she was wearing, among other things.

Jasmine is her name and my husband, my family, and I will always remember her and keep her in our hearts.

The experience was bittersweet. It was exactly what I wanted for my birth except it happened too early. Natural and unmedicated. No surgeries and no complications. It was very painful but in the end, it did not make me want to not try again… It was a life changing experience. I hope in the future I will be able to bring life into this world.. and I would love that child unconditionally.

HPT Line Progression

I did not do the progression too much for this pregnancy, hoping that it would alleviate some stress.
10 dpo Clearblue
P6 hpt 10 dpo

18 dpo Answer
P6 hpt 18 dpo

21 dpo Answer
P6 hpt 21 dpo

Ultrasounds

6 weeks 1 day – Transvaginal
2 mm, 107 bpm
P6 ultrasound 6w1d

9 weeks 3 days – Transabdominal
2.52 cm, 186 bpm
P6 ultrasound 9w3d

10 weeks 3 days – Transabdominal
3.44 cm, 175 bpm
P6 ultrasound 10w3d

12 weeks 2 days – Transabdominal
6.25 cm, 178 bpm
Nasal bone present, Nt = 1 in 3467
P6 ultrasound 12w2d

16 weeks ultrasound – Transabdominal
I don’t remember where I put the details for this one.
P6 ultrasound 16w

3 comments

  1. Anonymous

    I’m so sorry for your loss! I lost my first at 7 weeks and 3 months later fell pregnant again. I am now 20 weeks and so worried. I just couldn’t imagine. So sorry again. And good luck! Your in my prayers!

    • Thank you for your comment… I appreciate it! I’m still full of hope and I still have faith. Good luck to you as well, I’m sure everything will turn out perfect :)

  2. I am so sorry for your loss. As I am reading thru your blog more I feel like an ass hole for the original comment I made. I have been thru 4 pregnancies with no living children and I am so sorry. I have never made it further than 2-3 months so I could never understand this level of devastation but I would like to say I am here if you would like to talk or yell at or you just need someone to listen. It can be a long journey and sometimes very lonely even though we have so many people around us. I will def. be praying for you!

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